Why do I feel the way I feel

Most days these days, I don’t understand my emotions. Am I sad? Am I lonely? Do I feel alone? Am I just bored?  

I feel bad to be feeling these feelings because I am well aware that there are millions out there who feel worse, who have it worse. I have a good job, my family is healthy, I am healthy – I should feel good. However, there is this nagging feeling inside of me that I can’t explain. 

There’s one thing that I know for sure about me - I have been able to compartmentalize everything in my life … the good, the bad, and the ugly. At a young age, I had to decide what and how I wanted my life to go., which path to take. My family was faced with a tragedy that no one should ever have to go through. From that, I made a conscious decision in my head that I would survive it, even if I had to tread life on my own. To do that, I learned how to compartmentalize. I put each sad event of my life in a little box in my head. I focused on all things positive, as much as I could. It wasn’t easy, and I feel like everything is haunting me now that I’ve gone through a good portion of life. I ask myself now … is everything that I’ve put in those little boxes in my head starting to come out, requiring to be processed; is that why I feel the way I feel now?  

There are other events and struggles in life - that’s for sure. We have parental obligations, marital or relationship demands and issues, career challenges, financial challenges, and personal/life goals and worries. All these require day-to-day attention and constant focus, and these are those parts of life that I handle with hard work, patience, understanding, grace, and acceptance. We all go through these things, although we may handle them differently. I know I’ve messed up here and there, but I’m proud of what I’ve done. Nothing is easy, but we all can pull through if we try and give our best. 

I’ve been asking myself lately why I feel the way I feel, with all the good in my life right now. I cannot pinpoint at a specific reason why I feel these emotions, but I may have an idea. I may be just afraid to verbalize things - I’m afraid because I know it’s hard to find someone who can relate with me, who can understand without any judgment. I’m afraid to take these feelings out of their little boxes and give them a voice. I’m scared to confront the real issues, to process anything that I have suppressed. I do know that perhaps I am now at a point in my life where I might need to deal with these inner demons. I have a hard time right now looking for the best way to do it. This will be a process that I need to take - slowly maybe, but I know I have to in whatever way. The only thing I can do for now is honour how I feel and not pay attention to anyone who does not or cannot understand me. The eventual goal is to find that peace. 

Pensive Nook | October 12, 2021